3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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