I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Randomize
