Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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