It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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