You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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