if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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