If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
i now understand why vodka
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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