I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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