i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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