I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Randomize
