every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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