Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
so much tequila, so little girl.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
