I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
i think i just lost a toe
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
