when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
