I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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