every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
