My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Randomize
