She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
