Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Randomize
