rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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