Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
