I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
