They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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