People in love make me want to vomit
I wish i was in the wii world.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
