just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
