You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
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