I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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