He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
