My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
