They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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