I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
