im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
