I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
