My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Acid is not a monday night drug
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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