Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
