I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
