I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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