When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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