just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize