WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
