I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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