i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
