Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
