I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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