I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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