so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
