I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Michael Bay diarrhea
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
