Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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