So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
you are never too drunk for berry picking
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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