his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
