I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
