I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Randomize
