im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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