So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Randomize