Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
