it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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