So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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